Side to Side #AutismPositivity2015

By Erin Zerba

Side to Side

I sit here with my eyes closed, unable to speak.

I wrap my arms around myself and rock.

Side to side, I rock, like I used to do to soothe my children when they were small.

Side to side, I rock, trying to soothe myself.

Side to side, I rock, trying not to cry.

Side to side, I rock, trying to envision a warm, comfortable place.

Side to side, I rock, missing the strong arms that once made me feel safe.

Side to side, I rock, my arms wrapped around me are not enough, the tears are coming anyway.

I stop the rocking; I can’t hold it in anymore.

I cover my face, I am falling apart, but no one notices it.

My arms feel heavy, my body is shutting down.

It is just too much, too much emotional, mental, physical, and sensory stress.

My son often asks me, “How do you do all that you do?”

I tell him I don’t know, I just keep going, because I have to.

I just keep moving forward reminding myself that tomorrow is a new day.

Tomorrow I can try again.

image

Tomorrow … it will be better.

There will be a tomorrow when I will have strong arms wrapped around me again to help me feel safe.

Not the same strong arms of the past, but better arms attached to someone different.

There will be a tomorrow when I can come home and not cry from overload and lack of “spoons”.

I will not have so many jobs or homework to worry about.

But, those tomorrows aren’t here yet.

So, I will sit here with my eyes closed, unable to speak.

I wrap my arms around myself again and rock.

Side to side, I rock, to soothe myself.

Original Post: http://geekysciencemom.tumblr.com/post/118838334257/side-to-side

(Image found at tonygentilcore.com)

 

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Filed under Acceptance Love and Self-care, Autism Positivity 2015, Autism Positivity Flash Blog, Flash Blog Posts

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