“What I Would Miss” to: “I wish I didn’t have Asperger’s” #AutismPositivity2012

This post was originally published at http://www.peekyloulane.org/1/post/2012/04/what-i-would-miss-to-i-wish-i-didnt-have-aspergers-autismpositivity.html and is reprinted here with permission from the author.

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When I hear: “I wish I didn’t have Asperger’s” – I hear: “I wish I wasn’t who I am”

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So those of you who don’t know, the story behind this blog is that someone, somewhere “Googled” –
“I wish I didn’t have Asperger’s” and came to a blog. The blog owner checked their statistics and saw, their blog had been found by someone who searched using this term. There is no way of knowing who that person is. In an effort to ensure the next time a person searches this phrase, they would find support and understanding: Autism Positivity Day Flash Blog was born.

With all the accusations made against me for “Glorifying” Autism,  how could I say no to this opportunity.

Here it Goes:


Dear ‘I wish I didn’t Have Asperger’s’,

First I am so sorry that at this time, for whatever reason, you are feeling this way. I want to tell you that if you are feeling isolated and alone, or maybe just really “different”that this feeling you have, of wishing you could change an aspect of your life, is one that all of us can appreciate and understand. Maybe not for the same reasons, I would never presume to “know how you feel” but I will tell you that all of us, at some point in our lives wish we could change some aspect of ourselves or our life that is simply out of our control. This causes a feeling of great despair. Anything that we do not have the control to “rectify” or “fix” within ourselves, that we wish we could? Feels very hopeless. I hope this feeling has passed for you. If it hasn’t- here is what I want to tell you.

What I Would Miss if Asperger’s didn’t exist:

  • I would miss my Husband. He wouldn’t be who he is. I have been with him 12 years of my life. That’s almost the longest relationship I have had with ANYONE, including my very own Parents- for reasons out of my control. Just like any other couple, we have had our ups and downs. But no one “gets me” like he does. No one will ever complete my life, besides our beautiful children, like he does. There is simply no one like him in this world. I guess, he is … *different*.
  • I would definitely miss my 9 year old, who doesn’t SURELY have Asperger’s, but he has many tendencies. We are in the process of finding out for sure, but I know my son and if he doesn’t have Asperger’s, it will be because he only falls a check mark away according to the DSM. Recently he told me that he feels very “different” and he doesn’t think he fits in with most *typical* people. I sympathize with him, I have been there for my own reasons. The important thing is living your life so you love yourself and soon the right people will surround you. During some growing times in our life, it’s very lonely to be *different*, it may seem like you have fewer friends, but the plus side is most of those friends will love you for exactly who you are, and that makes them TRUEfriends, and no matter who you are in life? Those are hard to find.
  • I can go as far to say I would miss my middle son and baby too. Each of them have a ‘special ability’. Daddy with Asperger’s and Mommy with ADD- I think it was inevitable that our children would all have ‘special abilities’. My Middle son with Autism has changed my life, given me a passion and shown me what ultimate unconditional love is. My baby is so unique, he is only 2 years old and the way he talks to me, and the things he says make me feel as though he is 5. We don’t even know how many ‘special abilities’ he may have, but no matter what I know that I attribute his awesome personality to whatever they may be. I’m fairly comfortable in saying that the ‘special abilities’ in this family, are genetic.
  • I would miss my friends. Most of my best friends have ‘special abilities’ as well. I don’t have many TRUE friends at all by the way. I can count my truest friends on one hand and those with ‘special abilities’ far outnumber those without them. I have actually recently figured out that I- not by any conscience choice- am drawn to those who have Asperger’s. I have my husband, then there is one of my best friends who has ADHD with Asperger’s tendencies, I couldn’t imagine my life without her (we’ve been friends for YEARS), I have two of my newest friends, who even though I haven’t known very long? It’s like I just click with them! One of which I didn’t even know had Asperger’s until much after I figured out I just loved her! It seems like where ever I go, I “fit in” with those who are on the Spectrum even though I am not. I never fit in as a child, I have always been somewhat *different* at some times in my life it caused sadness and loneliness, but as I grew, and embraced my differences and realized that there is no one in the world just like me? The prouder and happier I became. – Now – I know that having ADD is not the same as having Asperger’s- but I can relate because of my own experiences. In the time I was diagnosed with ADD, my family wanted to keep it VERY private. I felt I was stuck in a closet, I never really realized how much ADD effected my life- I wished when I was younger that I didn’t have it. After high school I realized ADD is actually my favorite quality about myself. I have a lot of abilities because of it that others do not- yet- that being said it wasn’t until a few years ago I finally  “Came out of the closet” because it is so much better understood today, there are so many more advocates, and so many more people making others aware of what ADD/ADHD is. I wish it had been that way when I was a child.
Needless to say, my life? Simply would not be what it is, without ‘special abilities’ of all kinds. I feel I have a happy life, full of love and positivity. I think I am actually happier in my life than most people. I am now content with myself though and that’s the first- and hardest – thing for anyoneto do. Love yourself wholly, be who you are, and all other things will fall into place. Patience is key because no matter if you have a ‘special ability’ or not? There comes a time in your life, where there is a fork in the road, you can “choose” to TRY to conform, or you can “choose” not to. *Notice* I said “choose to TRY” – it doesn’t mean we can choose to be successful at conformity, for some of us it’s just not possible. I personally lack the ability to be fake, I used to try all the time, but it made me unhappy and uncomfortable, now that I am 100% myself, I have less friends, and more people probably don’t like me. But I do. And that? Is what matters most.

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No matter who we are, there are struggles, “bumps in the road” if you will, in no way can I presume to know for what reason, why you felt compelled to search using a term such as “I wish I didn’t have Asperger’s” – but I am sure you had a very good reason, your feelings are justified, I’m sure that on that day- something caused you to feel that isolation I spoke about. You are not alone, and I promise you, there are millions of people who are here for support and understanding.

I hope you find us.

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